resources > humor
the funny bone
because political correctness and trombone playing can not go hand in hand
First, I am going to tell you to head over to The Peterson Project.
I think that, with all the discussion I keep hearing about on lip balms, ointments creams, oils, etc., some good satire is in order. I therefore present to you Lip Balm Anonymous.
If you find some really funny trombone-related internet thing that you think is worth sharing, send it to me. I'd love to feature it here for the world to see!
photos
bone pics
None... yet.
youtube
video clips
After all, no modern website worth its salt would be complete without some good accomanying YouTube links! (Alright, so I can find a thousand arguments against posting any YouTube clips at all, but I had to come up with some sort of introduction line. Give a guy a break here...) As I collect videos, I'll post them.
Tonight, I listened to a bassoonist, Shawn Mouser (principal, LA Phil), play some pretty crazy stuff (crazy good). Along that vein, I present to you this masterpiece of a story: Ray Pizzi's LA Phil Audition.
Here's a couple of sax-related visual puns. Warning - sexual innuendos ahead. Saxual Fantasies #1, #2; or, A Cornucopia of Cleverly Concocted Cartoons, Capuring a Copious Collection of Saxual Silliness.
the classics
The Low Brass Player's Creed / Credo
I will not reproduce the Low Brass Player's Creed (aka. "That Really Long Sentence with Gratuitous Amounts of Profanity that Totally Emodies Everything that our Instrument Stands For And that We as Trombone Players are All About"), due to the author's express wish not to do so. Which is understandable, as it is copyrighted material.
For those wondering, here's the actual history behind this legendary piece of literature. From one of the original group (I won't name which one!):
"The LBPC was a letter from Harry Maddox to Charlie Vernon right after Charlie got the Baltimore job. Charlie made it famous, because of the colorful way he can read it (just ask Yo Yo Ma). A few years later, Harry and Mike Moore copyrighted the "work" and published it. It's for sale at a moderate price, although the older [the authors] get, the more embarrassed [they] are... It's a good way to let off a little steam about our non-low-brass-playing colleages, but I've known some people who tried to live by that code. If you play that way all the time, you don't get hired very often. ;) Since it is copyrighted, we'd appreciate it if free copies would stop showing up on websites."
I will give you the first line, as this should be common knowledge among all trombone players, and is therefore a matter of musical education: "Blow the f*****g s**t out of it man and don't give a f*****g inch..." (The common understanding is that the group was slightly, well, "oiled" at the time of writing.)
(A few pictures down, you can see Yo-Yo Ma being introduced to the Creed. Photo credit to Jay Friedman.)
The Curse of the Double-Trigger Bass Trombone Player
In the beginning there was a tenor trombone. It was a King, probably a 2B, but it could have been a 3B, nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old . . . definitely pre-'62. And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all. And so He let it be and He created a man to play the trombone. And lo the man looked upon the trombone, which was a beautiful gold finish, and he loved it. He played upon the slide and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments. And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork. Then in the course of time, the man came to modify the trombone and made a single trigger bass trombone. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the single-trigger bass trombone. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play lower and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like a man passing wind, which he had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he played upon the single-trigger bass trombone a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted the sound of man passing wind, I would have created a basson. Stick to the tenor trombone parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and low. The man took the single trigger off the bass trombone and made a double trigger bass trombone. And the man did play melodies low upon' the slide. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of low melodies with a blindingly fast slide. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled. Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a contra-bass saxophone and it shall play lower than you can even think of. And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer. You think you're loud? I shall create a long row of tuba players to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play lower and faster than the double-trigger bass trombone. And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this: that all the other musicians shall look to you, the double-trigger bass trombone player, as the jerk-off in the band. And if you play too low or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow!" - but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you that you're ready for your solo career, and find other tenor trombone players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night. And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." And it was so.
- Galen Zinn
The CSO Audition Selection Committee Letter
Chicago Symphony Orchestra
Selection Committee
220 S. Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Gentlemen:
I wish to apply immediately for the job of Second Trombone and I already have the two trombones. Although I have not played much in an orchestra, I have played along with lots of classic (no vocal) records. I found that if I slowed them down a little that the songs automatically went into the flat keeys which are much easier, but I think I could do the sharp keeys in a short time.
I was a student for several years of Mr. Remington (Buck, not Emory) and then went with the circus band where my tone really got great. You don't have to worry about me being able to blast through on the Vogner stuff, that's for sure.
After I watched "10", I got out my horn and worked up a really great solo on "Bolero", (do you know that there is a dance by this name too?) but I still have trouble knowing when to come in with the record. Does your arrangement sound the same all the way through, too?
Anyway, I know that if I get the job that the people in Chicago will like my version which is do-wop.
Would I have to sit real close to the violins? They never seem to play very loud and my tone sort of cuts off if I have to play too soft so it would be best if I could sit in front of the drums, like in the circus band. Also, I'd kind of like to sit on the outside so that people could see me.
I am practising every day for the audition and am working on a new thing called legato, but it's still a little smeary. I think you'll like it though.
But, if your music is anything like this Rubank stuff, it will be a challenge to my teck... techininuque... tequch... ability. There is a position on trombones called 5th, but hardly any notes are there. Does your music have many of these notes and if so, what are they? I'd like to know all of this before I pay bus fare down to Chicago and how much does the job pay?
I'm really looking forward to coming down, but why would I have to play behind a screen in the winter?
Sincerely,
Slide Rafferty
P.S. I have lots of music stands and probably have one like you guys use, so that would be a cost saving.
Pending Trombone Legislation
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed or annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by reed players, french horn and string sections seated within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking... Not to mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing problems reported by classical musicians of all types who are forced to play the music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of the Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory, Jack Teagarden, Abe Lincoln, Jim Robinson and Lee Gifford. There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass trombones! Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves! The owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse! Trombones should be stored out of reach of children. Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an International list of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut." Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A felony! Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly, and unsupervised emptying of spit valves on public property. (A filthy, unsanitary habit which will help spread the flu this year.) One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a trombone - Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or other legal assaul weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes that have already been approved by many state legislatures. Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models - both piston and the middle-European rotary - are much more dangerous than the traditional single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized country of the period. You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became an integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and Europe. It is believed that the new source of these WMD's are isolated factories in rural areas of China. The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass trombone could never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.
Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm Gettin' Sentimental Over You."
Band Introductions
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the members of tonight's band... in fact any band.
"On piano____________:
But first a few words about pianists in general, they are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.
"On bass we have _____________:
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.
"On drums____________:
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the
many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when
excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.
"On saxophone______________:
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of
Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.
"On trumpet_______________:
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them
sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard
Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.
"On guitar_________________:
Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles
to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.
"Our feature vocalist is the lovely _____________:
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A
young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you - and the rest of the audience - by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."
"On trombone___________________:
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become
indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn."
one-liners
quipable
Why are trombone jokes so short?
So trombonists can understand them.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
Year-at-a-Glance.
How is a trombone like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What's the difference between trombone players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
What do you call a trombone player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
He can't swing, and he complains about the slide.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombone player's arm?
A tattoo.
How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to hold the bulb and ten to drink 'till the room spins.
What do you call a person playing a trombone in public?
Suicidal.
How many bass trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. He can't get that high!
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw?
A chain saw has greater dynamic range.
You can tune a chainsaw.
Vibrato.
What do you call a bass trombonist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What´s the difference between a free jazz trombone player and a terrorist?
The terrorist has sympathizers.
What's the difference between a dead racoon and a dead trombone player
laying in the middle of the road?
The racoon has skid marks in front of it.
The racoon might have been on his way to a gig.